Unfathomable

His “condition” is something not medically defined. Technically it isn’t even a “condition.” Everyone knows he struggles with his problem, but no one realizes how much of a problem it really is. Warren is all alone in this world. He talks to people and has friends, but none understand. It’s not that they can’t understand, it’s just that they don’t want to. They do not want to put that much effort into it. In reality it is probably a good thing they don’t want to. If they did they too would be stuck with this problem, this “condition.” No one can help without understanding and they can only understand with effort. Once they did understand however, they still would be no help, they would only need help.

Warren coined a term for his condition, “Chronic Over Analysis.” He even made a definition for the term. “The process of analyzing events and objects to the point of near insanity.” Of course this definition wasn’t quite right. Sure, Warren did analyze things to an extreme amount, but he wasn’t insane, or even near insane. Well, at least he didn’t think he was. He joked about it, but knew it wasn’t really true. He wondered too often if other people felt the same. That is the product of his “Chronic Over Analysis.” He thought anything and everything. He would not stop thinking about it until he “knew” it.

Knew isn’t quite the correct word. Satisfied is closer to correct. It wasn’t that he didn’t “know,” even though most times he didn’t. It was more about pleasing himself, becoming satisfied with his answer. Often times it would be near impossible to find a satisfactory answer. Sometimes no matter how hard he tried he could not be satisfied. This did not keep him from trying to come up with an answer though. Warren had the habit of analyzing things for weeks, months or even years. There were even a few things he was still thinking about after ten plus years. Not letting things go meant that there was a lot of build up in his mind. This is why most people don’t understand. They do no know what it is like to think about 1000 or more things at a time for one minute let along ten years. As much as Warren wanted someone to understand, he was glad they didn’t. “Chronic Over Analysis is a burden he didn’t wish on anyone. Sure it wasn’t like cancer. There was no chance of dying from the “condition,” but death isn’t always the worst thing that could happen.

The day started off slow. His class was cancelled for the day so Warren didn’t have anything to do. Recent events had upped his thought process ten fold, but today his mind was near silent. Well, silent for Warren, for anyone else it would still seem like chaos. This small period of near silence gave Warren some time to rest, something he had not been able to do for quite awhile. Like the saying goes “there is no rest for the wicked.” Warren hadn’t rested his mind for more than an hour when he was interrupted by a strange phone call. One of those calls from a pay phone or another country where you have to wait to be connected with the dialing party. An over analytical mind does not enjoy these types of calls. It’s bad enough to hear the phone ring and have to wait until you pull it out of your pocket to see whose calling. Waiting another couple minutes after the ring kills. In a few minutes the mind can think of millions of things. The mind is the world’s faster processor.

Warren’s minds first thought was about all the people he knew and narrowed it down to a smaller number of people who would be likely to call him. After that he narrowed it down to the people who would call him this way. With that list he began to think of reason’s why they would call. This was a longer process than the last two but still finished within a few moments. Warren determined that it was his cousin calling from Europe to tell him about when he planned on coming home. Finally the operator got the two calls connected and Warren heard the voice of a woman, a voice he could not recognize. The voice said, “Hello….Warren?” As he attempted to respond the call was disconnected.

Now Warren’s mind was racing. Who was that girl? Why did she call? Why did the call drop? As he analyzed everything Warren did nothing but stare at his phone, He was waiting for the woman to call back, waiting for answers. He was sure she would call back. She must have wanted something, so why wouldn’t she call back. With each hour that passed Warren’s mind though more and more, each thought becoming more negative than the last. Not only did Warren over analyze things, he was also a pessimist. He was always thinking the worst. Sometimes coming up with situations so horrible they were near unfathomable. If anyone knew half of the horrible thing he thought, they would institutionalize him for sure.

Thought after thought Warren could not get his mind off that phone call. He thought so much that he started to think about every other thing he had been holding in the back of his mind. His recent divorce, the likelihood he would be laid off, his bachelor’s degree turning out to be fake. If it was possible, Warren was thinking it. If it was impossible, he was either still thinking about it or trying to figure out how to make it possible. Warren didn’t even realize it but he got up and walked out of his apartment. His body was walking but his mind was not. His feet were on a path to lead hi somewhere.

As he walked down the street unaware of himself many people stopped to ask him if he needed help. His face was blank and his eyes were empty. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Anyone that looked into his eyes that day saw something they will never forget. They witnessed a struggle. A civil war between the mind. Warren’s soul was caught in the middle, taking most of the damage. These people witnessed a dying could. Some say they saw the point where it did die, but a soul doesn’t die, it only suffers. It stays in that dying state forever, a pain much worse than death itself.

Warren never uttered a word to the passer-bys of his walk. He only kept on walking. No clear direction, but a definite path. He may still be out there, walking. If you happen to see hi do not attempt to help him, he will give you no response. Whatever you do be sure not to look into his eyes. It would be a “Journey Into the Mind” of a dying should. Something no one should have the misfortune of seeing.